Accountability...

...is *so* important.

Here is my health accountability. I will post here what I've eaten, what I weigh, what I've done for exercise, etc., etc., etc., and anyone who happens to read this can feel free to scrutinize.

My goal is this. By Fall semester of '07, I need to have lost 50 pounds and be able to run 3 miles. I will set non-food, health/fitness related rewards every 10 pounds along the way.

Love to you all,
Petunia

In an age of gluttony...

...I am fully a glutton.

Things are going well, but I am still having a terrible time controlling my food intake. I preach to myself over and over, but none of it sinks in. It's gotten so bad that I truly have no control.

I shouldn't say that - it's not that I have no control. I have no will.

There comes a point when it just has to stop. All of it. And I have now reached that point. The past week I've claimed it, but then sneaked doughnuts and sweets...and sometimes I didn't even sneak. Well now that simply has to change. My body feels disgusting, literally. I can feel the stretch of my skin, the folds in my back, the wiggles under my arms. And it does NOT feel good.

As of this moment, I am strict. No compromises. No rationalizing.

I don't remember which book it was...7 Habits maybe?...where there was an exercise in which the reader was to write their own eulogy. It is to be a eulogy of how the reader *wants* to be remembered - what kind of person they want to be perceived as. In doing this exercise, the reader is supposed to be directed as to what actions he/she should take to acheive that perception as reality.

Here are some words that I would like to be described as:

Compassionate
Caring
Loving
Open
Honest
Healthy
Devoted
Willing
Strong
Powerful

I want to be remembered as someone who is beautiful both inside and out. Someone who was honored to be alive and honored to help others live.

There's no time like the present, is there? Because its all we can know for sure.

Love to you all,
Petunia

Sometimes it's difficult...

...to be tolerant of other people's growing processes.

As the oldest one in my class, by a decade in most cases, I've been-there-done-that with most of the life issues my classmates are facing. I've come up with my own opinions and coping techniques. Those things simply don't bother me any more. And I try hard to remember what it was like, going through those things and still not having a clear idea of how the hell to handle it. But sometimes it is terribly difficult...

I'm starting to toy again with the idea of getting my music masters. It's silly, really, but the drive is still there. There is *so* much I've forgotten, though, that I'll have to relearn, and I wonder if it would be wiser of me to spend that time learning something new. Is it just the status I'm interested in? Or am I truly interested in the subject? That, I haven't figured out yet. One step at a time.

The weight issue is terribly pressing. I have these phenominal cravings that I give in to because I feel that I'll go crazy if I don't. My waistline is expanding and the scale is getting horribly close to the big 200. That's simply unreal, and absolutely unacceptable. DH and I have been talking about getting our eating habits cleaned up, but neither of us has had the desire to actually do it. I'm increasing my fruit/veggie intake which I'm very proud of, but we're not eating well rounded meals, and we're not eating together. Part of it is that our apartment just isn't condusive to it - but that's still just an excuse. We'll pull it together. Really, there's no point in stressing over it. You just have to *do* it.

Speaking of, I've got my workout clothes out and ready for my morning session. I'm going to just walk again tomorrow. That's my goal for the rest of this month - get up and walk 6 days, each morning. I can always take a nap if I need more sleep. Sleeping in isn't helping things, so it's time to shake it up a bit.

DH's and my anniversary is tomorrow. Unfortunately, I don't have anything for him! I've been so preoccupied that it just didn't happen. Our relationship has gone very stagnant, and we are both to blame. Again, there's no point in complaining about it - you just have to do something to change it.

This crazy new kitty I brought home is simply adorable. He just plays and plays and plays all day. Nothing seems to bother him. He isn't learning that the birds are not for him - he's got an incredible hunting instinct - and if he can't learn that then I'll have to find him a home. But I'm hoping he gets it. He makes me very, very happy.

Well, that's all that's happening in the world tonight.

Love to you all,
Petunia

I'm having a hard time...

...deciding if this career path will be made more difficult for my empathy, or if it will help me in my quest to live life the best I can. It is going to be interesting to see where I go with it.

Tonight I had my first ride-along with AMR. We did nothing more interesting than taxi some patients, but it did make something painfully clear: I get much too easily attached. All three of our patients tonight pulled my heartstrings so hard that it hurt.

But it also made something else clear - life is short, and we are blessed, blessed, blessed to be healthy and whole. The fact that I have let myself go physically, as well as mentally, is absolutely unexcusable. I am a whole, healthy person surrounded by love, family, and beauty, and here I am wasting it away with worry and poison.

I REFUSE to continue this way.

*Clink* Here's to a whole new world.

Love to you all,
Petunia

As I sit here feeling sorry...

...my mind begins to wander to another time, a time when I was happier.

What's the difference between now and then? Not much, really...a little time, perhaps.

And it's not that I'm terribly unhappy - today's a bad day, yes, but otherwise I'm doing pretty darn well.

But some things are lost - or at least temporarily misplaced. My optimism, for one thing, and my belief in myself for another.

Spent some time checking out some of my classmates' myspace.com sites and overall I was humored. Ah, youth! But one struck me in particular. In this one, I saw many of the ideals and dreams that I had when I was in my first college years. Beauty, peace, a belief in oneself and one's ability to make a difference in the world, a desire to live up to higher standards and morals, a refusal to let anyone blacken my life. Though it was naieve, it was beautiful to see that those types of people do exist in the world.

It's time for me to swing that pendulum back a bit. I've gone from that person described above, to a rather dark and gloomy individual who complains too much and judges much more. This is not a person I want to be.

So here I, Petunia, will gaather my courage and begin to make the journey to a beautiful life.

Love to you all,
Petunia