Low white cells...

I've spent the last two days in a near state of panic. Last week, my doctor ordered some basic tests for me in preparation for getting pregnant. Two days ago she called to give me my results and everything looks good, except that my white blood cell count is abnormally low.

She's ordering me to get another CBC as well as an HIV test.

She tried to re-assure me - my count wasn't terribly low, just a little bit, and that could have to do with the time of day that I took the test (first thing in the morning) or that it's just the way I am.

I'm petrified, however.

DH is trying to reassure me...I've had HIV tests before and they've all been negative. I was quite sick when I got the test done, so that may have affected it. I can't even comprehend the impact an illness like that would have on my life, and the lives of those I love.

Of course, my father in law found out about his Leukemia thanks to a routine CBC with a low blood count.

Pray that this is nothing. I'll be taking the new test as soon as my lab sheet arrives in the mail.

Love to you all,
Petunia

That's it. I'm done.

I'm finished doubting myself. I'm done complaining, whining, assuming I am unable to do something, whatever it is.

I've put myself in a very poor position in the falconry community. My tendency to put "all who have experience" on a pedistal has turned me into something of a forever-apprentice in the eyes of my peers, and really in my own eyes. Yes, I will always learn, and I'll always seek knowledge from others. But there is absolutely no reason why I should have subjected myself to feeling so damn inferior. As a result, other falconers don't know me, and they treat me as though I am weak.

Okay, that's putting it a little too harshly. Most of the folks I'm talking about tend to treat *everyone* that way. But I've certainly fostered it in their feelings toward me. I've done it out of respect - these people are great falconers with so much experience. But the respect isn't returned.

So I'm done with it. It's time to take it into my own hands. All of it. And it starts with myself and everything I do.

All my love,
Petunia

Grapefruit and Honey Marmalade and Kiwi Jam

These came out just lovely and absolutely tasty. The Marmalade is a bit on the bitter side - "European Style" as they call it - but still very good. But I will try a different recipe next time.

Love to you all,
Petunia

What a weird day.

Today was just bizarre. I couldn't keep a grasp on anything - if I touched it, it fell. I was dropping just about everything - spoons, papers, lids, bags...whatever. It didn't matter what it was, it was hitting the floor.

Plus, I twisted my ankle terribly - it's all swollen and painful. I wasn't doing anything, just walking, and wearing my boring old work shoes at that. No curb, nothing to trip me...I simply mis-stepped.

One of my regular customers came in and said she was having a similar day. We are quite alike...she's something of a Native American medicine woman and we have very similar beliefs. She said something about major changes going on in the earth causing those of us who are sensitive to "not be able to find our ground today." The way she described it was perfect...not a very comfortable place to be.

Put in some snap peas today and re-made my kiwi jelly. It still appears to be not setting, even with the added pectin, so I'm going to leave it at that. It will make a fantastic pancake syrup, so it's no loss. I'm thinking about making a grapefruit-honey jam next week. We'll have to see.

Yoshi is very sick. We're both worried to death about her. She's not herself at all. We've got an appointment at the vet tomorrow if she doesn't improve. I hate it when one of my babies is sick. Boy-cat, of course, is completely oblivious and can't figure out why we don't really want to play...

Love to you all,
Petunia

Another productive day...

I've had a terrific week this week. I've gotten so much done, and my mood has been excellent. The amazing weather has, I'm sure, helped.

Managed to get my apartment completely re-arranged, opening up the space a *lot*. The bedroom still gets my goat - its just so ugly with the mish-mash of crappy furniture - but that will come with time. Neither of us really wants to do too much furniture-wise because we just don't want to move it. But in the meantime it's damn ugly. Oh well.

I also got my garden all up and running for the next bit of time. The garlic is coming up beautifully, and I moved the herbs into the beds. I started some loofah seeds today, so mid-March comes along they should be ready to go on their trellis. Also put in some snow peas, and tomorrow I need to pick up some snap peas to put in. Oh yeah - also threw some lettuce seeds in for good taste. I need to ask Momma about the Gardens Alive stuff she used on her tomatoes - I've heard such good things about their products but never really wanted to spend the money on it. If it's worth it, though...

Today I also made some kiwi jam. In fact, the second batch is boiling right now. I have no idea if it will set, since I used my homemade pectin, but even if it doesn't it will make *fantastic* pancake syrup. Very yummy.

So things are going well. Tomorrow my mini-goal is to go to the DMV and fight for my Ambulance Drivers License. I work in the evening.

Love to you all,
Petunia

Gardening...

We are having the most beautiful weather! The sun is shining and it's very temperate - just cool enough to keep from sweating while working in the garden. It's fantastic.

Yesterday I finished putting up the temporary garden boxes. They aren't the most beautiful things, but they're doing the job. And I can always pretty them up later if I feel like it. This morning I put in 18 cubic feet of soil. This afternoon I'll pick up more and put it in tomorrow. I'm proud of myself - I'm doing one small thing a day, and not allowing myself to become obsessed with doing it all *NOW*. Tomorrow's small goal is to put in 18 more cubic feet and put in the pea seeds. It's going to be very pretty.

We just took boy-cat out in the garden with a harness-leash on. It was adorable! He's not a big fan of the leash, but meandering around the yard seemed like a good reward. Wish I'd taken a picture! Well, I'm sure there will be more backyard adventures.

I don't remember if I'd already mentioned this, but someone was throwing away a metal futon frame a few weeks ago. I rescued it from the garbage pile - it will make a wonderful trellis! Again, I'll take pics when I get the chance.

Alright - I'm off to my woodworking class. I hope everyone is having as beautiful a day as I am!

All my love,
Petunia

More applesauce...

Busy day today. JdR and I were supposed to go hawking with KR and his Barbary falcon about an hour away, but it was canceled. Bummer! JdR is going tomorrow with him, but I have class, and I certainly can't miss that. Friday is a possibility for me to go up there, but I have yet to see. I need to talk to KR anyway about sharpshins...might do that tomorrow afternoon.

Had a long lovely talk with Mom today. She just sounds so tired - I worry about her. I hope she's happy - she says she is, but something nags at me that says otherwise. It might be that her babies are so far away, but I just don't know. I just wish we could spend more time together.

Tried to call the NREMT today to find out about my application, but they were closed. Tomorrow I'll take the app to school and see if my instructors know anything about it. I feel like such a dummy - what a silly thing to mess up on. But considering the issues I'm having with the DMV and my Ambulance Drivers License, maybe its just fate telling me to wait a little longer. It will fall into place.

Made more applesauce today. I was hoping to get some Meyer Lemons at the market today but there were none, so more applesauce it is. My plan is to can something every week - whatever is in season at the market - but I won't be upset if I don't keep it up. It sure is fun, and I'm very proud of myself. This batch was all Fuji apples with lemon juice and a touch of nutmeg. The apples carmelized on the bottom a bit, which actually gives it a nice, deep flavor. It will be excellent with pork.

Tummy explosion this afternoon! I've been running to the bathroom every few minutes for the past hour. No idea what happened, or what could have caused it, but it seems to be subsiding now. DH is supposed to try to bring me home some Gatoraid which should help.

DH has had a pretty good day today, I think. He's off on a walk now just to get some exercise, and I expect he'll feel pretty good when he gets home.

Love to you all,
Petunia

evening update

Went to the doctor today. She's very concerned that my depression is chemical and that I may have to be on antidepressants for the long term. We're going to try cutting out the Lexapro - I start taking 10mg instead of 20 tonight - and she's got me on a three month schedule to wean off of it. She did say that if the depression starts up again that she wants to put me on another one that is considered safe for pregnancy. I was really quite suprised at how concerned she was. She's also having me get some bloodwork done in preparation for pregnancy. I've already gotten rubella and hepatitis testing, so that's all set. Now it's time to figure out my blood type. She also wants to check my thyroid since I've gained so much weight over the last year. I'm sure its my own problem, not a medical one, but it will be nice to double check.

Anyway, that's the news. Looks like we'll be able to start trying for a baby in about 3-4 months. How exciting!

All my love,
Petunia

Applesauce #2: dessert-ish

Almost forgot to post the recipe for this apple sauce. This one would make a FANTASTIC ice cream topping...

25-30 assorted apples, peeled, cored and sliced (I used a combination of Pippin, Granny Smith, Pink Lady, and Winesap)
Juice of one lemon
One Vanilla Bean, cut into thirds (but NOT seeded)
1/2 c. water

Boil all of the above for 30 minutes or until very tender.
Pour entire mixture into a food process and process until desired consistency.
Done!

I saved all of my peels and cores to make natural pectin. It took *all* of them to make 1/2 quart of pectin.

YUM!
Love to you all,
Petunia

Playing catsup - oops...catch-up!

Having an absolutely lovely day today. We seem to be on a good streak and it's really wonderful.

The big California Hawking Club meet was last weekend, and despite our concerns, it turned out to be a terrific meet. Not as many participants as usual, but many more than expected. Probably about 150 falconers from around the country - it's always beautful looking at the weathering yard and hearing the stories. More Harris' Hawks than you can shake a stick at, a few goshawks, no coopers hawks that I saw, and one sharpie. And of course the usual assortment of longwings!

Oh! And Seda was there with the baby Perlin (Peregrine/Merlin hybrid) that JdR and I bred. That's our baby!

I didn't do much hawking, but I did get to make some terrific contacts and just really relaxed and enjoyed myself. DH joined me on Saturday and we went out with a gent from southern cal and his goshawk, then we went out with Morgan, Richard, their Harris' and Rusty. Good flights, but no catches. Still just beautiful.

Seeing Randy's sharpie made me settle on my plans for this year - two eyass sharpies for me. DH's having a terrific time researching mapping programs to try to help me narrow down my search. I had no idea that Utah and Idaho are only 10 hours away. This is a perfectly do-able thing. I just have to put in my time trying to find them. Very exciting.

The picture on the left shows the apple sauce and natural apple pectin I just finished canning. Its always suprising just how easy it is. Hopefully DH will be able to find some meyer lemons at the farmers market tomorrow - if so, it's meyer lemon marmalade next. If not, I'll probably do another batch of apple sauce.

Back on the diet! I flubbed up pretty badly after the last attempt, but it's okay. I can do this. I'm giving myself a year - no rushes - and I'm enjoying the process. It's all about planning - that's what screwed me up the last time - but DH is with me this time. He's being wonderfully supportive.

Speaking of DH, last night we had such a nice time! He's so excited about being able to use his skills to help me find sharpies, and we talked forever about how our interests coincide so well. We are so terribly lucky, and apparently our relationship is *so* different from the majority of relationships out there. Heck, *we* are so different from the majority of *people* out there. It's a beautiful thing. And I was so tickled to hear him talk about "our kid."

I'm going to the doctor today to start working off my anti-depressants and do some family planning. It is *so* exciting. And DH is even excited! He's working so hard. And he's working hard to get us back east. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, so I won't talk about it much, but still...

Mom's coming out to visit in February! When I was driving up to the meet, it really hit me - I'm going to see my mom! Gads, I can't wait... And, I got to chat with my sister yesterday. Things are going well...this is going to be a good year.

All my love,
Petunia

Homemade Apple Sauce

Oh, this came out *good*. I won't be buying apple sauce ever again!

3-4 pounds apples (I used Gala and Pink Lady) peeled, cored and quartered
3-4 inches cinnamon sticks
peel of one lemon
juice of one lemon
1/2 c. water

Toss all ingredients and bring to a boil. Cover and reduce heat to a low boil. Simmer for 20-30 minutes until very tender. Remove from heat. Remove cinnamon stick and lemon peel. Mash remaining ingredients or place in food processor and process until desired consistency. Excellent warm or cold, over ice cream or latkes.

YUM!

All my love,
Petunia

Homemade crackers...

Most of my friends look at me incredulously when I tell them that I'm making crackers. Why on earth would you *make* crackers when they're so cheap and easy to buy?

why the heck not? They're simple, fun and absolutely delicious. Plus, then I know everything that goes into them - at least as much as I can know.

Here's the best recipe yet:

1 1/2 c. whole wheat flour
1 1/2 c. unbleached all purpose flour
1/3 c. olive oil
1/2 c. water
kosher salt

Process in a food processor until well combined and forms a ball. Run through pasta roller until desired thickness (Number 7 on my Atlas pasta maker). Lay sheets on baking sheet and cut partway through into squares. Prick all over with a fork. Sprinkle salt and lightly press into crackers. Bake at 350 for 18 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove from oven, cool slightly and break apart. Store in an airtight container.

All my love,
Nathan

Discomfort

We've hit a severe discomfort again with our finances. DH is saying his usual mantra of "it will all work out" but I'm having a fit. Even with the generous gifts from our mothers, we're at about zero in the bank. I honestly don't know how we're going to get through the next few months. I'm just praying that my certification comes through and I can start working full time.

Spent time with JdR the last couple of days figuring out our block making. We've started much too late this year, but at least we're doing something. We're going to cut 5 blocks from one portion, which I've started to glue together. It's going to take a few days to get everything glued. I've also glued a layered oak block. That just needs to dry and then we can turn it.

I'm very depressed tonight. I think I'll go crochet an afghan.

Love to you all,
Petunia