A long Talk.

DH and I had a long, tearful, even *yelling* (I was the one yelling) discussion last night. He was so incredibly supportive, and we had a more heartfelt talk than we've had in years. He really loves me, and I really love him.

I told him everything, exactly as I'd discussed it with Mom. I even told him that I was about to walk out on him. The times I tried to soften my comments he refused to let me - he wanted to hear it exactly as I've been thinking and feeling it.

It's much too much to discuss here, but it was good, and much needed. I think, I hope, we're going to be moving on to something much better now.

All my love,
Petunia

I'm trying so hard...

...not to be depressed. I swear, I'm trying. But it seems like just when I'm coming out of it, something happens and there I am again.

So what happened this time? I told DH that I was going to pick up my BC Pills from the pharmacy, and that this would be the last month I'd be on them, if that was okay. He immediately got that terrified look and said, no, it's not quite time. Let's wait for...(yadda yadda yadda).

So yet again, we're proving that he's not ready, and right now I doubt he ever will be. When I got home he asked me if I was okay and I told him that no, I'm not, and asked if he'd *ever* be ready to have a baby. He said that of course he would, but he's "so freaked out" over his own stuff right now that he can't imagine adding something else to the mix. I asked him if he'd be ready within my body's fertility period and he just laughed and said of course.

I just don't believe him. I don't believe anything. I don't understand anything. I can't figure any of it out. And I don't know how to turn off my own biological clock so that I just won't be bothered by it any more.

I think I'll ask my doctor to put me back on anti-depressants. I can't do this again.

Love to you all,
Petunia

Hmm. I didn't expect that...

Just found out that there is another blog out there called Petunia's Garden...http://petunias-garden.blogspot.com/

Hmm. Might have to try to find another name for my blog. Apparently, we both started on Blogger.com at the same time, but she has many more readers. Well.

Love to you all,
Petunia

catching up quickly...

Work at the transport company has been postponed a week, unfortunately. He's trying to implement a new training procedure, and it will begin a week from today. I don't think he took into account that I was banking on starting this week...yet another week without pay.

Well, I'm doing my best to take advantage of the extra time off. The weather has decided to turn downright ugly, so many of my projects can't be done. But it's okay - I've got enough to do that doesn't require sunshine. Today, for example, I just finished watching Brokeback Mountain, which I hadn't seen yet. The visuals are astounding - I don't know where it was filmed, but I want to go there! I can't believe that there are places like that still in existence. Absolutely stunning. The story itself was good, and of course I cried when Jack died. How people can be filled with such hatred simply disgusts me. Especially since I know that it is a very realistic scenario.

Some pictures to brighten up our day...

Yoshi has been nothing but love since Mom left. I think she really misses her. DH brought home some crickets for the geckos and the only time Yoshi left my lap was to go and "inspect." It was quite comical...














The garden is coming along nicely, but I am impatient for spring. The peas are growing terribly slowly, but it looks nice...

Oh! I've lost six pounds since Mom came. I'm really on the ball and it feels *so* good.

Love to you all,
Petunia

Asiago, Potato, and Bacon Gratin

Well, Momma's back in Virginia and oh how I miss her. We had such a lovely time here, and even though she was terribly sick much of the time, just having her around means everything. I wish everyone could have the family I have, I wish they could understand that it truly is possible to love their family so totally. I am *so* lucky.

Interestingly, as soon as Momma left, my junk food cravings started up again. But I am absolutely determined not to give in. It is time to be inspired to take care of ourselves. It is time to realized just how blessed we are with having all limbs and facilities and not take it for granted. And I am determined to do just that. DH and I are *both* tired of being tired, tired of feeling weak and depressed, tired of being sick, and I'm damn tired of getting hurt all the time. Those things are directly related to nutrition and exercise - two things that are completely controllable.

Today, the only thing I bought was a bottle of water. And I drank the whole damn thing. You have no idea what an accomplishment that was. I'm proud of myself.

So tonight I found a recipe for
Asiago, Potato and Bacon Gratin from Cooking Light. Here it is - it's fantastic, and only 250 calories. Of course, Cooking Light very rarely lets us down.

Asiago, Potato, and Bacon Gratin
From Cooking Light

Maybe more so than other foods, potatoes need salt. Instead of salting the water they boil in, sprinkle the potatoes with salt after draining. Then salt the white sauce separately for the most pronounced flavor.

1 1/2 pounds peeled Yukon gold potatoes, cut into 1/4-inch-thick slices
1 teaspoon salt, divided
Cooking spray
2 tablespoons minced shallots
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 cups 1% low-fat milk, divided
3/4 cup (3 ounces) grated Asiago cheese
1/4 cup chopped fresh chives
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
4 bacon slices, cooked and crumbled
1/4 cup (1 ounce) grated fresh Parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 350°.

Place potatoes in a large saucepan; cover with water. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer 5 minutes or until potatoes are almost tender. Drain. Sprinkle potatoes evenly with 1/4 teaspoon salt; set aside and keep warm.

Heat a medium saucepan coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Add shallots; cook 2 minutes or until tender, stirring frequently. Lightly spoon flour into a dry measuring cup; level with a knife. Sprinkle flour over shallots. Gradually add 1/2 cup milk, stirring with a whisk until well blended. Gradually add remaining 1 1/2 cups milk, stirring with a whisk. Cook over medium heat 9 minutes or until thick, stirring frequently. Remove from heat; stir in 3/4 teaspoon salt, Asiago, chives, pepper, and bacon.

Arrange half of potato slices in an 8-inch square baking dish coated with cooking spray. Pour half of cheese sauce over potato slices. Top with remaining potato slices and cheese sauce; sprinkle with Parmesan. Bake at 350° for 35 minutes or until cheese is bubbly and lightly browned.


Yield: 6 servings

NUTRITION PER SERVING
CALORIES 250(30% from fat); FAT 8.2g (sat 4.6g,mono 2.7g,poly 0.5g); PROTEIN 12.3g; CHOLESTEROL 23mg; CALCIUM 306mg; SODIUM 618mg; FIBER 2.3g; IRON 0.9mg; CARBOHYDRATE 31.9g

I'll have fruit for dessert tonight, a habit I intend to develop fully.

Love to you all, I miss you -
Petunia

OUCH!!!

Ooh...my leg!

Really screwed my leg up, that's for sure. I haven't been able to walk normally since that hawking trip. DH won't let me drive, and he's constantly yelling at me to sit down.

It's *SO* hard to sit still. I'm trying to compromise - do small things, take lots of breaks - but it really does hurt, and I'm well aware that it will take longer to heal if I don't rest it.

Oh well.

Yesterday I finished a basic Meyer Lemon Marmalade and it came out yummy. Then last night I found a recipe for Meyer Lemon and Vanilla Bean Marmalade at epicurious.com (http://www.epicurious.com/cooking/menus/cooknow/recipes/231586). Sounds absolutely divine. I've got the lemons started for that now.

Not much else to report today. DM is going to be here in five days! I'm so excited - I miss her so badly. DH is going to drive me to class today (at least he's letting me go!) but that's really it.

Love you you all!
Petunia

Strike 3!!!

Okay - everything comes in threes, right? First a minor ankle sprain, then this scary blood test, and now I've twisted the hell out of my right leg and can't walk. UGH!

But other than that, things are going well. Went hawking with KR yesterday and his Barbary falcon, and also did a little hawking with BS' jack merlin. Beautiful flights! It's always so inspiring to be out there with the beautiful birds in these wide open fields early in the morning. Both KR and BS were wonderful and friendly and happy - just a really terrific time altogether. To be honest, I was worried. KR has a tendency to make a person feel very small. He doesn't mean it, I'm sure, but his arrogance can be grating. But he didn't strike me that way at all yesterday. I just really enjoyed myself.

Also got a call yesterday from a gentleman that I met at the meet, Anthony. Can't remember his last name right now, unfortunately. He's a long-time shortwinger and absolutely hilarious. He has been a hunter for many years, and has traveled the world. We had a wonderful conversation, and there's a chance that he'll come out here in April to go sharpshin seeking with me. That would certainly be fun.

Not too sure what I'm going to do today. I'm not good with being disabled...everything I want to do hurts my leg. Maybe I'll just have to go back to bed.

Love to you all,
Petunia