A beautiful life.

Life is what we make it. We wake up in the morning and the first things we say to ourselves really do define our day. We are in control of our feelings, our bodies, our behavior, our attitudes.

I've been working hard on doing affirmations. I've come up with a little chant that I repeat to myself regularly through out the day - bike rides are great for this - and I'm telling you, it works. And every time I get a negative though, be it about myself or someone or something else, I shove it out, or work it around to be something positive.

There's no doubt that shit happens - it does. It's how we respond to it that matters. And there are going to be some bad days and they should be allowed. It is all a balance, after all. But it is so easy to get caught up in the B.S., and that's what we're working to avoid.

One of the big things that I'm dealing with right now is this need to be recognized. I desperately want to be known for something good, something great. I want people to recognize my hard work and accomplishments. When I don't receive that recognition (which I SO rarely do) I feel worthless. It's been a lifelong challenge for me, but I'm starting to counter it. What should I care what people think? I know what I'm doing and I know who I am. That's all that matters.

Love to you all,
Petunia

On the Apartmentstead

Today has been just an incredible day! So far, here's what we've done today:
* I've got two loaves of whole wheat bread in the oven for sandwiches this week.
* I've got pasta dough resting in the fridge for spaghetti tomorrow.
* I've got oat rolls on their first rise
* We both figured out the pressure canner and canned six pints of some wonderful poultry stock that DH made

And this evening I'm going to my first CERT training class. I'm very excited. It's been a full and wonderful day.

And to top it off, the normally terrible event of a sparrow hitting the sliding glass doors got turned into a wonderful Coopers Hawk catch. We think the coop actually chased the bird into the window so that he could catch it. DH and I saw the whole thing and it was fantastic!

So I'm off the pill now. DH's handling it well. He was pretty frightened Sunday when I showed him that this month's pill box is now empty. But the yesterday evening and today he's been in a great mood - I think he's more excited than he cares to admit. Of course, it will probably be a while before I get pregnant, but at least now it's possible!

My garden is growing like gangbusters! It's really starting to look pretty out there. The lettuce is stunning out there mixed with the mature violas. Speaking of violas, I just harvested a bunch of flowers to mix into our salads. And there are tons of buds just waiting to open up. We'll be eating violas as long as the weather permits! The peas are blooming profusely and there is one actual pea on the vine. The other set of peas haven't quite caught up, but I'm not worried about it. And I finally figured out why the lettuce seeds I keep scattering haven't grown - it has something to do with all of the sparrows! But it's a beautiful thing.

In the front "yard" I have a potted roma tomato, a container-sized squash, and I put in a square foot of corn! The corn is mostly for fun - I don't think it will produce - but it will sure look neat.

All the kids are doing well - Yoshi seems very content with life, Godfrey is a love/play monster, Zack just keeps on chirping and the geckos keep growing. Both of Lilly's first eggs, however, turned out to be infertile, and I'm not confident that the next two are fertile, but that's okay. She's got two more in her and it is only her second year. If she's not fertile this year maybe she will be next year. As long as she's healthy, that's really all that matters.

That's it for now. I'm working hard not to dwell on the V. Tech shooting. There's so much going through my mind about it that I can't even begin to talk about it. I'm focusing on all that is beautiful instead.

Love to you all,
Petunia

resentment...

Let this be a lesson to myself. I waited so long to put pressure on DH that I'm experiencing a tremendous amount of resentment. While the resentment is no surprise, the intensity and immediacy of it is.

I had another little breakdown today while re-arranging the bedroom. I'd pulled myself together by the time DH got home which was good. Even better is that he completely *wanted* to hear about it. He kept pushing me to tell him what was going on and participated fully in the conversation. There's no more just-nodding-his-head about him - he really talks! And when I'd clam up a bit, he'd push me to talk more. And he didn't pout, he didn't get passive-aggressive...I don't know but I really like this new DH!

One of the things that set me off today (aside from being told that I needed $500.00 worth of dental work soon) was seeing the Italy books that Mom had gotten me. I'm terrified of the thought that she and I will never get to go together. There's really nothing I want more. DH made the comment, however, that he didn't think I should be traveling pregnant anyway, and that a trip to Europe may be exactly the type of break I'll need when we have a baby.

Isn't that beautiful?

He also assured me that he's still on track. And somehow I believe him this time.

And then we made a Cooking Light chicken pot pie that we've been eying.

After all of that, and its become a beautiful evening.

All my love,
Petunia

Just found this picture...

It's fuzzy, but I still love it...

Love to you all,
Petunia

Bobby

I rented Bobby today so that I could watch it while Jason is at school.

It was an amazing movie, and nearly brought me to tears several times. According to several reviews and the commentary afterwards, it was quite well researched, and one commentator who was there at the time of Bobby's assassination said that the drama portrayed in the movie was nothing like the drama that was actually occurring.

Though I'm consistently more and more shocked at our culture's behavior, the movie actually helped me understand today's apathy. I don't excuse it by any means - but I understand it. Here was someone who believed in all the beauty that we are capable of, and who was the fifth in a string of assassinations of like-minded people. Ultimately, brute force wins, I guess. Fear wins. I guess that's why we have King George. He uses fear as a tool and it's shocking how effective it is.

It's been forty years since Bobby Kennedy's assassination and what has changed? Not a whole helluva lot. A little less outright discrimination and prejudice, but not forty years worth. Considering how popular he was, how can that be? How can a country be so ready and willing for that kind of person to lead them, and then become what it is now? How can we be so stupid, so arrogant?

Love to you all,
Petunia

Hard day...

Today was difficult for me. It's Grandma R's 90th birthday, and Mom and Sis are with her. I don't have Grandma's number, so I called Sis's phone several times with no answer and no return.

I hate being so far from my family. It's damned unnatural. I'm walking through Jo-Ann's looking at all the easter chotchkes thinking about my niece and my own wished for child. I went to the quilt shop looking at all the beautiful fabrics that Mom would love. I went on eBay and for some unknown reason started looking at vintage latch-hook rug kits thinking of when Mom and I used to do them.

It's been a rough day. Plus, I'm feeling lousy from allergies and a suspected cold, so that certainly didn't help. I was *this* close to going to the apartment and starting to pack.

Poor DH. This can't be helping him.

Love to you all,
Petunia