It's a beautiful life.

May is over and I have made a commitment. I commit to myself. To improving myself. To making my world a more beautiful, happier, and loving place. I'm working hard at removing the tendency I have to focus on things that are negative and ugly. I'm working hard at not talking about people in a mean way (something I've done way too much of). I'm working hard at becoming a better person.

Love to you all,
Petunia

I love my chiropractor.

He's amazing. I mean, really.

Today I was *really* fighting the fatigue. Just getting into and out of the ambulance was like climbing a mountain. I am *way* too young to feel this way. And being around all these young healthy people really makes it clear that I am a sloth. Heck, I almost passed out in the middle of a call from fatigue and headache.

So I told my chiro. He is going to order some blood work for me to see if it's what he thinks it is: Adrenal Fatigue.

Holy cow. I'd never heard of such a thing. And whaddya know, according to all the websites I found about it, I have *every* symptom. It's like a profile of my life.

So this is a beautiful thing. If that's my problem, then I know that it's fixable, solvable. It's not something horrible and unknown. Yes, it will take work because it has much to do with lifestyle and nutrition and no magic pill, but wow - that's incredible. To think that I can be young and spritely again! Oh, I'm so looking forward to it!

Love to you all,
Petunia, feeling relieved.

It's crazy.

I don't think I know how to have fun anymore. I simply don't know how.

I'm finding myself constantly depressed again. I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and cry. I don't even know if I know how to be any other way. There is simply no joy in my life. There are of course the little things I love, like my cats, but everything else just seems to be painful.

How did I become such a spoiled, lazy girl? How did I get this way? What the hell happened?

Love to you all,
Petunia

I AM NOT A VICTIM.

That's my new mantra. I am not a victim. I am in control of myself. My weight is no one's fault but my own. Same for my skin and my wardrobe. Same for my lack of energy.

And that also means that I am in control of changing it. I can lose the weight. I can get in shape. I can take better care of my appearance and emotions and needs.

Today I joined Weight Watchers again. But I mean it this time. I'm following the Core plan, and DH is completely on board. In fact, signing up for WW and attending meetings was his idea in the first place. I have no excuses - never did. This is *my* deal. I *own* it.

So I weighed in a 199.6 pounds. I'm about to go put the house scale in the storage unit. Tonight we're going to have tandoori marinated chicken over quinoa with salad. For dessert we have beautiful fresh cherries. Its a lovely thing.

Love to you all!
Petunia

I hurt someone today.

I didn't mean to - it was a total accident. And to be honest, it was such a small thing.

Elderly people have phenomenally delicate skin. A patient had her elbow under the gurney rail when we were unloading her. I started to put the rail down but didn't realize that her arm was there. She yelped, her daughter jumped, and I almost broke down in tears. The pressure wouldn't have even left a mark on someone younger - it was almost nothing. But on a 90 year old, well, it cut the very surface layer of skin and she started to bleed. I notified a nurse right away (which really doesn't mean much at a Skilled Nursing Facility - they're terrible) and the woman didn't seem too upset. But her daughter was horrified and the looks she gave me, especially compounded with the guilt I already felt...ugh.

I wish I knew how I/we got this way. This horrible self-beating that we give ourselves over the most trivial things. No, this wasn't trivial, but it isn't worth the guilt that I'm giving myself. There is inherent risk in this job - for both the patient and ourselves. That's a known fact. S**t happens and you move on. But I can't help it...I'm still kicking myself.

Well, as my chiropractor says, think POSITIVE. Knock those negative thoughts out and focus on the beautiful things in life, all the good I do, and the happiness I bring the vast majority of my patients. And next time I'll know to check for their elbows.

Love to you all,
Petunia

I don't understand.

Why can't I lose weight?

Love to you all,
Petunia

Nothing too interesting...

...just a lovely day at home.

Got plenty accomplished today - returned the DVDs, got my falconry renewal mailed out (finally!), returned a way-past-due library book, and stopped at the nursery. Pulled out all of my peas and lettuce, planted TONS of beans and a fresh crop of lettuce. Also couldn't resist two tomatillos, another tomato (that's been planted upside down in a Trader Joe's bag next to the front door), a cayenne pepper and a purple bell pepper. Oh, and there's also a super-hot Asian pepper. I still have two squashes outside that need a home - not sure what to do with them yet.

Bob, the apartment manager brought an inspector through today. He said he likes bringing the inspectors to our apartment because he always knows that it will look nice. As much as I grumble and groan about what a mess this place is, I guess its still better than most. That was nice to hear.

Took a three hour nap with Godfrey which was lovely. He's a fantastic sleeping partner - after he's done getting pets while laying on top of you, he settles down in the crook of your arm and sleeps there. Always makes for a nice nap.

DH and I are working hard to eat and live more naturally. We're doing quite well - especially considering our lack of space and time. He's been in such a good mood that it makes both of our lives that much better.

I hope everyone is doing well...I love you all!
Petunia

Good, hard work.

Tonight was my last night at Trader Joe's.

Good things:
I focused on staying positive and upbeat. I do not remember making negative comments about myself or anyone else. This is important.

I ate well today.
Breakfast: oatmeal with strawberries, a touch of brown sugar and skim milk
Lunch: whole wheat pasta with roast chicken and lots of fresh veggies, including roasted beets from the farmers market and peas from my garden.
Dinner: They threw a little surprise party for me at work, so I splurged a bit. But it was worth it.

DH and I planned wonderful, healthy meals for the week, and stocked up on healthy and mostly organic snacks. It will be a good week.

DH was in a fantastic mood today. It was beautiful - it's so good to have him like this. I'm cherishing every moment.

Bad things:
My doctor is concerned about the extensive pain I've been having for the last few months. He had me get blood drawn to test for lupus and various arthritic conditions. I'm scared, but trying to remain positive. I'm sure it's nothing other than my weight.

That's about it. A good day overall - very busy, but on the right path.

Love to you all,
Petunia